At Least Something Tonight

Still in the Car

Some days, I park outside the house and stay in the car for a while. When I turn off the engine, it feels as though I’ve more or less finished my day.

Work is over. Time for phase two of the day. I want to play some games, and there’s plenty to watch on Netflix. Taking my iPad to a café sounds good too. I have work again tomorrow, so I’d like to do at least something tonight. As I list the things I want to do, it starts to seem like I could fit them all in.

I haven’t even gotten out of the car yet, but at least I’m feeling motivated.

I Already Know the Answer

Some days, I use up even the energy for phase two at work. Spending all day driving around Seoul and wrestling with faulty control units can do that.

Sometimes the equipment just won’t cooperate, even after I’ve tried everything I can. Sometimes I check the same thing over and over without finding the cause, and sometimes I have to wait endlessly because there’s nothing I can do on site. I haven’t even done much physical work, but after a day like that, I’m strangely exhausted.

The fatigue that had built up all day didn’t ease even after I arrived outside the house. I thought I might end up being needlessly curt even with my family if I went in like this, so I stayed in the car for the moment.

I put on some music for a while and wondered if I should quit. Reasons to leave came easily enough. Of course, reasons to stay came to mind in between, and I stayed tired.

In my experience, decisions made when I’m tired usually don’t turn out well. I figured more thinking wouldn’t change anything, so I got out of the car. I was still tired, but my head was a little clearer. I don’t know if it was the music.

I went inside, called out that I was home as usual, and took a shower. Then I zoned out for a while and fell asleep.

Just a Quick Rest First

On days when I’ve made plans for the evening, I get out of the car with a slightly lighter step. If I’ve decided on a café, all I have to do is grab my iPad and change clothes. To do that, I first have to go inside.

Once inside, I lie down on the bed for a moment. That’s fine. I’ll rest a little and then go. But once I lie down, I realize I’m much more tired than I’d thought in the car. I didn’t have this information when I was sitting there making plans. Now that I do, revising the plan is the sensible thing to do.

It’s much the same if I shower first instead of lying down. Now that I’ve gone to the trouble of getting clean, I wonder if there’s any need to go out and get dirty again. Getting ready to go out has given me a reason to stay home.

Even in the car, I more or less know that once I’m inside, it’ll be hard to come back out. Still, I don’t want to decide to stay home before the evening has even begun. I have goals of my own. Until I shower and lie down.

Because I Have Work Tomorrow

In the end, I play games or watch Netflix at home. It’s comfortable, and I enjoy it. Both were things I wanted to do anyway, so I think I can count that as sticking to the plan.

Even after settling it that way, I keep wondering if I could be doing something else. Once I’ve decided to have fun at home, it’d be nice to just enjoy it. Instead, even while I’m resting, I start thinking again about how to spend the evening.

I have work tomorrow, so resting seems like the right thing to do. Then I wonder if I should really let today end like this when I have work again tomorrow. Having work tomorrow makes a useful argument either way.

All I’ve done is lie down, shower, and play a little, but somehow it’s bedtime. One by one, I set aside the things I’d thought of in the car and get ready for work the next day. I tell myself a good rest is enough, but I still think going to the café might have been nice.

Anyway, I do leave the house again the next day. I’m not headed to the café.